[ she'd be selfish either way, so she takes the teasing in stride. it gets another little giggle out of her.
what she can't articulate is what these bonds mean to her. regardless of whether this vash is the same one, or he doesn't remember, or- whatever is going on, he fills the niche she'd been wanting for her entire life. after being kicked out of every orphanage she found herself in, 'family' was not something she ever expected to find. the feelings swirl in the back of her mind and she starts to remember: she's always been alone, before here. she'd always been alone before arriving on the ship, and that's why she grew so intensely attached to rem and the boys. and even though she now has to grapple with the mindfuck reality she finds herself in, the more time she spends sorting through her thoughts and feelings, the more she can find herself remembering. even in just the blink of a moment, she remembers being alone.
of course she wants vash around. she's bonded to him and wolfwood, even if she has a funny way of showing it sometimes. she's an emotional creature, not necessarily a thoughtful one. which brings us back to her lacking ability to express what friendship and camaraderie and teasing mean to her.
she's staring into her tea again. blinking, she takes a sip to cover for the fact that she spaced out for a second. ]
Get used to it, I don't think that's going to change any time soon. [ sip ]
[ Nahri has been kind to him already, even with their bumps on the road. Vash, also, has only known belonging in one place... For it to be ripped away. With his long life, he has learned time and time again you lose, and you lose, and you will keep losing. Despite that, he continues to look for a place to love and be loved in return.
An ultimate desire so pure, but tainted with ugly emotions of unworthiness and guilt. The Underground is very much a cage. Here, he can bond with others without the shackles of what makes him what he is, but he can't escape and relieve them of his monstrous presence.
It's a type of selfishness to be grateful, isn't it? And they two can be a little selfish together, in their unspoken words and the peaceful silence. ]
[ there's a comment on the tip of her tongue, maybe i should change, but she doesn't know what direction she would want to go. it's not low self esteem, more that she feels unmoored from the kind of person she wants to be, because she doesn't know anymore. but that's a conversation for another time. ]
We were on the Project Seeds ship. We were in a plant bulb. We-- got out, but I remember trying to hide and there was another plant that was awake. [ it's such a small thing, after the time it's been, but it was so striking that she could never forget. ] We met Rem, and you and Knives, but you were small. [ there's a little sad smile as she remembers. ] I think you were a little afraid of me at first, but we read together and we got along after that.
[ she could never forget her time there, no matter what. she could never forget rem and the boys, no matter what. ]
After a year, we received our coats. We just... lived on the ship like it was normal. I kept reminding myself that this wasn't my memory, but it felt so real, and I was happy being there. And... I don't think I need to tell you how we ended up on No Man's Land.
[ she should be more candid, she thinks, as she sidesteps certain memories. the fact that she can recall what happened is good, but on the other hand, some things she remembers she wishes she couldn't. ]
I kept seeing Dara. He kept trying to get me to go with him. I almost did, but not because I agreed with him. I wanted to see if I could change his mind and change... anything. I don't know. But I didn't want to leave Mizuki and Jonas, and Dara never listened to me, so I stayed.
Things were okay at first. I helped people. I used my psych a little too much and they ended up asking us to leave once there were problems with the plant. Then we just wandered. I kept seeing Dara. I tried to help anyone I could, but we never stayed very long. I was lucky with my psych, but I thought if I looked too unmarked that I'd look inexperienced or suspicious. [ she holds her hands up - evidence from little accidents, or her blade slipping. ]
We ran into Knives. He hurt me. [ she subconsciously touches her side, the nasty gash she received because she wasn't fast enough. ] He hurt Mizuki worse, but you showed up to save us. Things were sort of okay again, until we had to go to July.
[ she's been reciting this with a sort of mechanical edge. part of it is because she's just exhausting having to recount what happened, when this is only a fraction of what actually happened. but they're vash's memories, so she doesn't feel the need to get too nitty gritty about it. ]
[ ... This is all so rough because he can understand being ripped straight out of home. These are based on his memories, after all. He felt incredibly loved, incredibly spoiled, under Rem's wing... Even though she didn't always have the right thing to say, sometimes she does the wrong things, but he knew she loved them.
A part of him isn't sure how to feel when he hears that he was there, as a child, alongside his brother. That they shared these memories with Nahri and others. Would he have liked more friends? Of course. He remembers when a couple of humans woke up due to a ship emergency... How he and Knives had to hide or else risk discovery. They didn't know about their birth and Rem feared for the worst.
But he remembers one of them finding them out, then welcoming them with an open hand. Perhaps, Nahri would have been like that, too. A fiery girl, but kind and loving. ]
I'm glad you got to met her, real or not. She's the reason why I'm who I am today. [ And Vash loved her dearly. ] But—I'm sorry for Knives.
[ Sometimes your dear older brother is a freak... And worth all the guilt he feels when he hears that Knives hurt them. ]
I—wish the mission didn't keep using Dara against you. I know... Things are complicated with him. I don't know if years would have changed that.
Years didn't seem to matter much to him. [ a noncommittal shrug. ] He was at least 1400 years old, and he still... did the things that he did, and felt the way that he did. Time might have made things worse, actually.
[ she was so hopelessly enthralled, some sort of connection to a world she didn't believe in and didn't belong to. but she didn't really belong anywhere or have anyone else. at least not until she started forging bonds here. as awful as the game is, her relationships were allowed to grow. even in no man's land, with how brief their town visits became - she could still help people in a way that felt organic and real. not like before when she was trapped in her gilded cage.
but dara had done that to her, hadn't he? ]
As for me, I can't really look outside myself and see what changed in 150 years. I still feel like myself, just more confused.
... Oh, yeah, at that point it's very hard to change. Not impossible, but still difficult.
[ However, he isn't going to argue. Nahri knew Dara best, had suffered and loved him despite all he had done to others and to her. It's tragic, he thinks, to love someone who won't let themselves be loved... To be caged by them, too.
Vash is at least aware that he, despite a monster, doesn't do that. It's a small solace, despite how he wished it didn't come at Nahri's expense. ]
More confused, huh. [ ... ] I don't think I changed much, either, but maybe I've become more stubborn.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I guess that means we're trapped, but... I like when you're around.
[ because one of these days he's going to slip away and not come back. ]
Maybe that makes me selfish?
[ this isn't meant to be loaded, and in fact she's kind of shrugging it off. she doesn't really care. ]
no subject
He responds to it casually, much like her, but in it there's some sincerity. Some weight. ]
Someone told me that it may be selfish to ask someone to stay... But they also said being selfish isn't wrong.
[ Pensive. ]
I also think a little selfish is a good and cute look on you.
[ A bit teasing. Maybe Vash also just likes to hear that he's wanted. ]
no subject
what she can't articulate is what these bonds mean to her. regardless of whether this vash is the same one, or he doesn't remember, or- whatever is going on, he fills the niche she'd been wanting for her entire life. after being kicked out of every orphanage she found herself in, 'family' was not something she ever expected to find. the feelings swirl in the back of her mind and she starts to remember: she's always been alone, before here. she'd always been alone before arriving on the ship, and that's why she grew so intensely attached to rem and the boys. and even though she now has to grapple with the mindfuck reality she finds herself in, the more time she spends sorting through her thoughts and feelings, the more she can find herself remembering. even in just the blink of a moment, she remembers being alone.
of course she wants vash around. she's bonded to him and wolfwood, even if she has a funny way of showing it sometimes. she's an emotional creature, not necessarily a thoughtful one. which brings us back to her lacking ability to express what friendship and camaraderie and teasing mean to her.
she's staring into her tea again. blinking, she takes a sip to cover for the fact that she spaced out for a second. ]
Get used to it, I don't think that's going to change any time soon. [ sip ]
...I think I should tell you what happened.
no subject
[ Nahri has been kind to him already, even with their bumps on the road. Vash, also, has only known belonging in one place... For it to be ripped away. With his long life, he has learned time and time again you lose, and you lose, and you will keep losing. Despite that, he continues to look for a place to love and be loved in return.
An ultimate desire so pure, but tainted with ugly emotions of unworthiness and guilt. The Underground is very much a cage. Here, he can bond with others without the shackles of what makes him what he is, but he can't escape and relieve them of his monstrous presence.
It's a type of selfishness to be grateful, isn't it? And they two can be a little selfish together, in their unspoken words and the peaceful silence. ]
If you think so. I'll be listening.
no subject
We were on the Project Seeds ship. We were in a plant bulb. We-- got out, but I remember trying to hide and there was another plant that was awake. [ it's such a small thing, after the time it's been, but it was so striking that she could never forget. ] We met Rem, and you and Knives, but you were small. [ there's a little sad smile as she remembers. ] I think you were a little afraid of me at first, but we read together and we got along after that.
[ she could never forget her time there, no matter what. she could never forget rem and the boys, no matter what. ]
After a year, we received our coats. We just... lived on the ship like it was normal. I kept reminding myself that this wasn't my memory, but it felt so real, and I was happy being there. And... I don't think I need to tell you how we ended up on No Man's Land.
[ she should be more candid, she thinks, as she sidesteps certain memories. the fact that she can recall what happened is good, but on the other hand, some things she remembers she wishes she couldn't. ]
I kept seeing Dara. He kept trying to get me to go with him. I almost did, but not because I agreed with him. I wanted to see if I could change his mind and change... anything. I don't know. But I didn't want to leave Mizuki and Jonas, and Dara never listened to me, so I stayed.
Things were okay at first. I helped people. I used my psych a little too much and they ended up asking us to leave once there were problems with the plant. Then we just wandered. I kept seeing Dara. I tried to help anyone I could, but we never stayed very long. I was lucky with my psych, but I thought if I looked too unmarked that I'd look inexperienced or suspicious. [ she holds her hands up - evidence from little accidents, or her blade slipping. ]
We ran into Knives. He hurt me. [ she subconsciously touches her side, the nasty gash she received because she wasn't fast enough. ] He hurt Mizuki worse, but you showed up to save us. Things were sort of okay again, until we had to go to July.
[ she's been reciting this with a sort of mechanical edge. part of it is because she's just exhausting having to recount what happened, when this is only a fraction of what actually happened. but they're vash's memories, so she doesn't feel the need to get too nitty gritty about it. ]
no subject
A part of him isn't sure how to feel when he hears that he was there, as a child, alongside his brother. That they shared these memories with Nahri and others. Would he have liked more friends? Of course. He remembers when a couple of humans woke up due to a ship emergency... How he and Knives had to hide or else risk discovery. They didn't know about their birth and Rem feared for the worst.
But he remembers one of them finding them out, then welcoming them with an open hand. Perhaps, Nahri would have been like that, too. A fiery girl, but kind and loving. ]
I'm glad you got to met her, real or not. She's the reason why I'm who I am today. [ And Vash loved her dearly. ] But—I'm sorry for Knives.
[ Sometimes your dear older brother is a freak... And worth all the guilt he feels when he hears that Knives hurt them. ]
I—wish the mission didn't keep using Dara against you. I know... Things are complicated with him. I don't know if years would have changed that.
no subject
[ she was so hopelessly enthralled, some sort of connection to a world she didn't believe in and didn't belong to. but she didn't really belong anywhere or have anyone else. at least not until she started forging bonds here. as awful as the game is, her relationships were allowed to grow. even in no man's land, with how brief their town visits became - she could still help people in a way that felt organic and real. not like before when she was trapped in her gilded cage.
but dara had done that to her, hadn't he? ]
As for me, I can't really look outside myself and see what changed in 150 years. I still feel like myself, just more confused.
no subject
[ However, he isn't going to argue. Nahri knew Dara best, had suffered and loved him despite all he had done to others and to her. It's tragic, he thinks, to love someone who won't let themselves be loved... To be caged by them, too.
Vash is at least aware that he, despite a monster, doesn't do that. It's a small solace, despite how he wished it didn't come at Nahri's expense. ]
More confused, huh. [ ... ] I don't think I changed much, either, but maybe I've become more stubborn.
[ A small laugh. ]