[And then he doesn't even get to DIE!!!! HATEFUL!!!! But he doesn't know that yet, so he just... tucks himself into Vash's side, and ignores the feeling of selfishness that prickles over his skin as he does.
Some of the tension seems to drain out of him at Vash's easy acceptance, though. It makes sense, if he thinks about it--but he'd been worried anyway. He suspects Vash might just be humoring him, but... that's okay. As long as Vash is willing to hear him--well, Nahida--out, that's what matters. He'd already told Wolfwood that he knew it was a long shot; he just can't not try, knowing what he knows about their situation and their world.]
...I just want everyone to be safe. [It's soft, mumbled into Vash's collar. It feels like such a silly, childish sentiment. Even if they make it out of here, there are so many people going back to dangerous or unpleasant situations. He can't fix all of them, can't even begin to try and help with at least half of them. And he's always believed that pain and loss are a natural part of life anyway. Sometimes, life is suffering--that's just how it is. But that doesn't change the fact that he hates knowing the people he's come to care about are suffering, and will likely continue to do so once they return home. Knowing that some things can't be fixed doesn't make his own helplessness any less of a bitter pill.]
[ Vash is not at all humoring him. He is interested and curious to see what other technology can help, seeing as his planet is bereft of the technological advances that led them to space. It's... Hopeful, despite the darkness the Reaper's game has blanketed over them. It's quite dark, but Vash smiles, anyway.
If only he could save them all, too... If he could lessen their suffering at all. It only he, too, could suffer less. ]
I know you do... And I'm sure you know life isn't all hopeless, but I hope you can remember that again. Not now, not soon, but maybe later.
[ That despite these terrible weekends, there were pockets of happiness in between. They were bright, warm, and kind. Irreplaceable. It's why they wouldn't take the chance to go back in time, right? ]
[He does know that, though Vash is right, it's hard to hold onto right now. He can't think of the warm moments without remembering all the missed opportunities. The things he might've said, if he'd been a little bolder--the things he would've done, if he'd been a little happier. Every memory of peace or laughter he finds, he can only grasp for a moment, before they slip through his fingers again.]
I haven't done anything.
[Which is the worst part of it, really. Kaveh can't make up his mind about how he feels about the situation as a whole--it's just a horrible tangle of guilt and helplessness, the knowledge that his team is probably trapped in some awkward middle position, and that it's mostly his fault.
He's known for a long time that he's not strong enough to do what it takes to win this game. He wasn't smart enough to figure out an alternative before Nahida felt she had to act. Is this how things would've gone if he'd been back in Sumeru city, trying to free Nahida with his friends? Would he have ruined all of that, the way he ruins everything else?
It's impossible to know, now. But either way--Kaveh has no kindness to spare for himself tonight. The only thing that's bringing him solace is the idea of tomorrow.]
...But as long as she makes it back safely, it'll be enough.
[ How much have any of them done anything? What is there to do except take lives and hope that this game will reward them like it promised? Vash, stubbornly and selfishly, has held onto his pacifist ideals... And it has fallen upon others to bloody their hands to save them all.
... If anything, he also has done nothing. Kaveh—at least Kaveh and Nahida seemed to have tried something. Quietly, in a whisper as he gently rocks them back and forth, hoping it can calm them down. ]
You're doing your best.
[ Vash will keep repeating this for as long as Kaveh needs to hear. Sometimes, their best will not be enough, but at least they know that they've put their all into it, regrets or not. wraps this up... for the new week ]
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Some of the tension seems to drain out of him at Vash's easy acceptance, though. It makes sense, if he thinks about it--but he'd been worried anyway. He suspects Vash might just be humoring him, but... that's okay. As long as Vash is willing to hear him--well, Nahida--out, that's what matters. He'd already told Wolfwood that he knew it was a long shot; he just can't not try, knowing what he knows about their situation and their world.]
...I just want everyone to be safe. [It's soft, mumbled into Vash's collar. It feels like such a silly, childish sentiment. Even if they make it out of here, there are so many people going back to dangerous or unpleasant situations. He can't fix all of them, can't even begin to try and help with at least half of them. And he's always believed that pain and loss are a natural part of life anyway. Sometimes, life is suffering--that's just how it is. But that doesn't change the fact that he hates knowing the people he's come to care about are suffering, and will likely continue to do so once they return home. Knowing that some things can't be fixed doesn't make his own helplessness any less of a bitter pill.]
no subject
If only he could save them all, too... If he could lessen their suffering at all. It only he, too, could suffer less. ]
I know you do... And I'm sure you know life isn't all hopeless, but I hope you can remember that again. Not now, not soon, but maybe later.
[ That despite these terrible weekends, there were pockets of happiness in between. They were bright, warm, and kind. Irreplaceable. It's why they wouldn't take the chance to go back in time, right? ]
You're doing your best.
no subject
I haven't done anything.
[Which is the worst part of it, really. Kaveh can't make up his mind about how he feels about the situation as a whole--it's just a horrible tangle of guilt and helplessness, the knowledge that his team is probably trapped in some awkward middle position, and that it's mostly his fault.
He's known for a long time that he's not strong enough to do what it takes to win this game. He wasn't smart enough to figure out an alternative before Nahida felt she had to act. Is this how things would've gone if he'd been back in Sumeru city, trying to free Nahida with his friends? Would he have ruined all of that, the way he ruins everything else?
It's impossible to know, now. But either way--Kaveh has no kindness to spare for himself tonight. The only thing that's bringing him solace is the idea of tomorrow.]
...But as long as she makes it back safely, it'll be enough.
no subject
... If anything, he also has done nothing. Kaveh—at least Kaveh and Nahida seemed to have tried something. Quietly, in a whisper as he gently rocks them back and forth, hoping it can calm them down. ]
You're doing your best.
[ Vash will keep repeating this for as long as Kaveh needs to hear. Sometimes, their best will not be enough, but at least they know that they've put their all into it, regrets or not. wraps this up... for the new week ]