[ The empty smile makes him rattle their hands even MORE. Sometimes you're just a hypocrite, but Vash does feel like he's doing something substantial. Self-care is worthless. ]
Sure, you're older than most, but you're not an old man. You still could have a life ahead of you! There's a goal there and you said things got better!
--It's so complicated, being here. Kaveh doesn't want to die; he is too young for that, too mortal, too passionate about life and all its beauties and miseries. But Kaveh hasn't put himself first since he was eight years old. He doesn't even know if he remembers how.]
They did. [He can admit that much.] And I'd like to. But how can I say that my dreams are worth more than anyone else's? What right do I have to decide that?
[He thinks of Wolfwood, who'd told him that he had kids to get back to. Of Ylfa, who is so young. Of Nahida, who is the main reason Kaveh's even made it this far, because if nothing else, he needs to get her back to Sumeru. Of Vash, who must surely have some reason for carrying on--some reason besides himself, if Kaveh knows him even a little.]
I'm not saying I'm going to give up. But if I don't make it to the end--I just want to know that I helped the rest of you somehow.
[He'll live on in his buildings anyway. He's always felt that way.]
... Rather than thinking of it that way, it may be better to think of it as your dreams are worth fighting for.
[ Less comparing, no downplaying anyone's desires and hopes, even though it's still survival and competition all the same. A different perspective changes things is what Vash believes, but it isn't something he's trying to preach. Based on the emotions that do leak out, there is reassurance and encouragement.
Rattling less, his heart quiets. ]
It's very hard to forget someone's kindness. I think you've helped a good amount already.
[It's not that Kaveh doesn't agree. If there's one thing he'll grant himself, it's that he's dedicated his life to pursuing his dreams; if he didn't take pride in that, he would have no standing with which to tell his clients that he's the right choice for them. And beyond that, even though he grapples with the meaning of art and doubts himself on occasion, he typically feels proud of putting more beauty into the world.
But it doesn't feel like enough, right now. So he's quiet, and focuses on the rest--which... well.]
...It doesn't feel like it.
[It also doesn't feel like enough. He has no way of protecting anyone when they're truly in danger. He has no information of use, and no way of getting access to the people who might be able to change all of this.]
Sometimes, it feels like that. Like it's never enough.
[ Sometimes your best will amount to nothing. Vash has seen enough of that, experienced it enough. No matter the amount of good deeds, it's about the mistakes and loss. It's dangerous thinking, one he wishes upon no one except himself.
Because Vash thinks of himself as different. He isn't mortal, after all. ]
You're just one person... [ To emphasize that there's only so much Kaveh can do as one single person. ] But you've made some people's day, I'm sure. Someone here has enjoyed your company and sometimes that's enough.
[ At least, if anything, that means the world to Vash who has always been alone, stricken with loneliness. ]
[Kaveh's quiet for a moment; then, he squeezes the hand that's still holding his own, more for his own selfish comfort than to offer reassurance to Vash.]
I hope you're right. [He'll concede that, because he must. There is nothing he can do to intervene during the night. And Kaveh internalizes so, so much guilt over things beyond his control, but he is, at the very least, capable of understanding this much. Until he or someone else figures out some other avenue, all he can do is be there for as many people as possible.]
Sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about me. [Even though it's clear as day that Vash was deflecting, but Kaveh will let him have that for now.] But thank you, Vash. You're kind.
[It wouldn't be difficult to say regardless, but especially not now. He thinks of Buzen--of the awful note he'd left things on, so foolishly assuming he'd have time. He doesn't want to make that mistake again.]
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no subject
Sure, you're older than most, but you're not an old man. You still could have a life ahead of you! There's a goal there and you said things got better!
no subject
--It's so complicated, being here. Kaveh doesn't want to die; he is too young for that, too mortal, too passionate about life and all its beauties and miseries. But Kaveh hasn't put himself first since he was eight years old. He doesn't even know if he remembers how.]
They did. [He can admit that much.] And I'd like to. But how can I say that my dreams are worth more than anyone else's? What right do I have to decide that?
[He thinks of Wolfwood, who'd told him that he had kids to get back to. Of Ylfa, who is so young. Of Nahida, who is the main reason Kaveh's even made it this far, because if nothing else, he needs to get her back to Sumeru. Of Vash, who must surely have some reason for carrying on--some reason besides himself, if Kaveh knows him even a little.]
I'm not saying I'm going to give up. But if I don't make it to the end--I just want to know that I helped the rest of you somehow.
[He'll live on in his buildings anyway. He's always felt that way.]
no subject
[ Less comparing, no downplaying anyone's desires and hopes, even though it's still survival and competition all the same. A different perspective changes things is what Vash believes, but it isn't something he's trying to preach. Based on the emotions that do leak out, there is reassurance and encouragement.
Rattling less, his heart quiets. ]
It's very hard to forget someone's kindness. I think you've helped a good amount already.
no subject
But it doesn't feel like enough, right now. So he's quiet, and focuses on the rest--which... well.]
...It doesn't feel like it.
[It also doesn't feel like enough. He has no way of protecting anyone when they're truly in danger. He has no information of use, and no way of getting access to the people who might be able to change all of this.]
no subject
[ Sometimes your best will amount to nothing. Vash has seen enough of that, experienced it enough. No matter the amount of good deeds, it's about the mistakes and loss. It's dangerous thinking, one he wishes upon no one except himself.
Because Vash thinks of himself as different. He isn't mortal, after all. ]
You're just one person... [ To emphasize that there's only so much Kaveh can do as one single person. ] But you've made some people's day, I'm sure. Someone here has enjoyed your company and sometimes that's enough.
[ At least, if anything, that means the world to Vash who has always been alone, stricken with loneliness. ]
no subject
I hope you're right. [He'll concede that, because he must. There is nothing he can do to intervene during the night. And Kaveh internalizes so, so much guilt over things beyond his control, but he is, at the very least, capable of understanding this much. Until he or someone else figures out some other avenue, all he can do is be there for as many people as possible.]
Sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about me. [Even though it's clear as day that Vash was deflecting, but Kaveh will let him have that for now.] But thank you, Vash. You're kind.
[It wouldn't be difficult to say regardless, but especially not now. He thinks of Buzen--of the awful note he'd left things on, so foolishly assuming he'd have time. He doesn't want to make that mistake again.]