[HE CAN AND HE WILL. He doesn't 100% believe Vash, but he doesn't push him, just grumbles into his wine.]
They'd better not. But if they do, they're wrong, and also probably cursed.
[He'll fight these imaginary haters don't think he won't
But he simmers down, then, gaze softening, because--well.]
...I know there's only so much other people can do, when it feels that way. [God, does he know. ...Actually, you know what--he might as well. For Vash's sake, he can be more honest than he'd like.] For a while, after my father died, that was the only way I felt.
But for what it's worth--I always want you around.
Thank you, Kaveh. [ He means that... Because all Vash wants is to be allowed to be there, wants to be close to humans who are capable of so much love and good. ] I like having you around, too.
[ Kaveh is a good bean, so caring and expressive, though Vash worries for him every once in a while. It's comfortable company and that... Makes him itching to abscond. With another sip, he lets the mediocre alcohol warm his chest in hopes it can distract him, but. oop ]
But they're not wrong... I'm a monster, so it makes sense.
[It is, of course, his first, kneejerk reaction to get angry again--not at Vash himself, but at the very concept he's put forth. This one, though, is easier to pull back, if only because of how they've spoken so far, because of how similar Kaveh thinks they are in spirit, thanks to last week. He doesn't slam his cup back down, doesn't instantly and aggressively deny it. Instead, he forces himself to pause for a moment, letting his emotions swell and recede. When he replies, he keeps his tone calm and gentle.]
I guess it wouldn't be enough to say I've done a lot of things and have a lot of blood on my hands.
[ There are too many of you who have backstories of MASSACRE, too many willing to say that it doesn't define someone. However, Vash sees himself differently... He's not the same as humans who can choose another path and change who they are. No matter how much he mimics them, they aren't the same.
[Hmmm. Kaveh's quiet for a little while, swirling his wine around in his cup as he considers what he wants to say.
"I don't believe that"--it's true, of course, but it's a pointless sentiment. "Your past doesn't matter"--how can he say that, without knowing what that past is? It's impossible to imagine Vash acting maliciously, but then, hadn't Livio said the same thing to Kaveh? It's so easy to say things when there's so much you don't know. And sometimes, he knows, even the people who do know can't drown out those sinister voices.]
It's an interesting word. [He says, finally.] I worked on a project, once, a long time ago--Alhaitham and I worked to decode the runes of an ancient civilization's language in relation to their architectural philosophy. This civilization is over a thousand years old, mind you, so a lot of information has been lost. Anyway--it's always been dangerous out in the desert, and it was probably even worse back then. Every ruin and structure I've ever explored or researched had multiple layers of defense. Puzzle mechanisms, guardian constructs, illusions, you name it. I remember finding it interesting that their language had several different versions of what we, in the common language, would just translate to "monster." But so much nuance is lost in translation. And nowadays, we even use the word "monster" colloquially, even when we're talking about things like those guardian constructs. Something that used to be such a vital part of life is now just seen as a threat to explorers.
[He takes a drink, leaning back in his booth.]
What I mean to say is... what does "monster" really mean, anyway? Isn't it all just a matter of perspective? [He lifts one shoulder in a shrug.] I can't tell you not to feel guilty for your past, whatever that may be. Even if I knew, it's not my right to take that responsibility from you. [He'd said almost the same thing to Matsui. It feels like so long ago, now.] But I can tell you that the Vash I know is a good and kind person. I trust you.
That's really interesting. I never thought of it that way, really... But I get it. Ylfa mentioned trying to take back the term, too.
[ Vash isn't so close-minded where he doesn't understand the nuance when it comes to language. Words age, change, along the years, and he has seen and heard it evolve at home, but... It's all about relevance and context, he knows.
An afterthought he has is that Kaveh is a big nerd and he'd bully him if he wasn't insecure depressed. But he holds onto his cup with both hands, finding himself not that thirsty anymore. ]
In No Man's Land, a monster wreaks havoc. They swallow everything in their path and plunge the land into another age of chaos. [ ... ] Am I still a good person if I want to hide what I've done...? I don't want you to know.
[ He doesn't want people to become scared of him. He doesn't want them to reject him—but it's better that they do. ]
[Briefly, Kaveh looks confused at the mention of Ylfa; but, well. He's smart enough to connect the basic dots, even if he lacks the full picture. He doesn't deviate, though; right now, he wants to focus on Vash. He is a big nerd though yeah that's true.
He also owes it to Vash, he thinks, to seriously contemplate everything Vash says to him. He doesn't want to rush into any heartfelt declarations, no matter how impossible it feels to think of Vash as someone dangerous or frightening. Kaveh knows that, for all his suffering, he's lived a mostly privileged life--so many of his struggles have been personal and self-wrought. He didn't grow up in the desert, forced to weather harsh sandstorms and prejudice. He was never disowned by his parents, even if he's cut contact with his mother for the sake of her happiness. He's never lived through a war--doesn't know what it's like to be a spirit, an archon, or anything other than a simple young man trying to chase his dreams. And though he's only pieced together a cursory image of what life is like on Vash, Wolfwood, and Livio's planet, he understands that whatever he's imagining is likely much less awful than whatever they've truly endured, if only because he hates to think of them in pain.
Vash deserves the time it takes for Kaveh to remind himself of all of this, before he says something he can only believe in the moment. He cannot believe that Vash would truly cause intentional harm--but as a scholar, he has to acknowledge his own bias.]
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. [Once he's decided how to articulate his thoughts.] Though, to me, the fact that you feel that way--that is evidence that you're a good person. I've met plenty of bad people, and they don't care. [But he waves a hand.] But setting that aside--tell me this. What would you say is your deepest wish?
[ Sometimes monsters have a lot of deep thoughts about what that means, what makes them a monster, and how they feel about it. Vash, unfortunately, would rather run from that. ]
I'm sure they've gone through a lot.
[ Vash would be a worst boy enthusiast, most likely, while also yelling at the media telling his favorite they're a shitty bastard. He isn't blind to the evil in the world, but he can take a step back and see that the choices people are given are ones they barely have control over. Life, again, is a series of complicated problems, these problems are like cards. Random, shuffled and dealt by the invisible hand of fate. But somehow he separates himself from that, depriving himself of such grace.
He simply looks ahead at the simulated interior as he takes a longer sip, pensive. His deepest wish? Isn't it to disappear...? To finally chase after the lost souls of his past, to grab onto the warm hands of those kind ghosts, to run into the starless night, to find peace now that his work is done. In the silence and presence of Kaveh's company, he thinks on it some more. Despite the dark, he's latching onto the offered comfort and consolation.
His gaze falls upon the golden arches on his cup. His deepest wish... ]
... I want to be accepted. [ In the end, more than anything, he just wants to be loved. ] I want to be beside people, just like this.
[It hurts his heart, to hear such a simple sentiment said with such gravitas. Only those who have been deeply hurt ever make such simple wishes, don't they? Those who know what it's like to have nothing, or to have everything and lose it. Those who believe that their existence is a nexus of strife, poisoning those around them.
(It hurts to hear something that resonates so deeply within his own heart. But he won't say that, not right now. He isn't that selfish.)
Gently, he reaches out, putting his hand on the table. He doesn't try to grab Vash's, but he leaves his own out, palm up in offering.]
Then you can stay beside me. [And so many others here, he's sure of that. He can't promise that Vash will see this through to the end, can't do anything to uphold that kind of statement--but it's unfathomable, the idea of anyone turning Vash away. Perhaps it's hypocritical, the way Kaveh can't turn this certainty inward, but right now, that's the furthest thought from his mind.] I'm not afraid of monsters.
[And really, he thinks that this, too, is evidence that Vash is anything but.]
You really are too kind, Kaveh. I can see why they're worried about you.
[ He doesn't elaborate who, doesn't mention how many, but he says this softly like it isn't a shortcoming he dislike. Who benefits these traits but him? Closing his eyes, he lets it sink in... Isn't it too dangerous to not fear the wild? To reach out your hand at fangs—worse, fangs hidden by a friendly smile.
Vash, ultimately, isn't the type to snap at hands that reach out to him. He sees the palm out and that's when clarity washes over him. ]
I really just dumped that all on you! What's with me this week?! [ Watch him down all this alcohol and take that hand to rattle. ] Try to forget what I said!
[HELP sweet Vash... RELATABLE. This is how Kaveh felt after his CYOA.
He doesn't ask about Vash's first comment, because he already knows that people worry; it's one of the things he hates most about this place, the way it robbed him so immediately of his usual facade. Instead, he just laughs a little, letting Vash shakes his hand.]
I'll try. [He won't] Don't worry, I won't embarrass you. [He probably will someday]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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They'd better not. But if they do, they're wrong, and also probably cursed.
[He'll fight these imaginary haters don't think he won't
But he simmers down, then, gaze softening, because--well.]
...I know there's only so much other people can do, when it feels that way. [God, does he know. ...Actually, you know what--he might as well. For Vash's sake, he can be more honest than he'd like.] For a while, after my father died, that was the only way I felt.
But for what it's worth--I always want you around.
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[ Kaveh is a good bean, so caring and expressive, though Vash worries for him every once in a while. It's comfortable company and that... Makes him itching to abscond. With another sip, he lets the mediocre alcohol warm his chest in hopes it can distract him, but. oop ]
But they're not wrong... I'm a monster, so it makes sense.
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What makes you say that?
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[ There are too many of you who have backstories of MASSACRE, too many willing to say that it doesn't define someone. However, Vash sees himself differently... He's not the same as humans who can choose another path and change who they are. No matter how much he mimics them, they aren't the same.
THE COMMON DENOMINATOR OF DISASTER IS HIMSELF. ]
I was born one.
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"I don't believe that"--it's true, of course, but it's a pointless sentiment. "Your past doesn't matter"--how can he say that, without knowing what that past is? It's impossible to imagine Vash acting maliciously, but then, hadn't Livio said the same thing to Kaveh? It's so easy to say things when there's so much you don't know. And sometimes, he knows, even the people who do know can't drown out those sinister voices.]
It's an interesting word. [He says, finally.] I worked on a project, once, a long time ago--Alhaitham and I worked to decode the runes of an ancient civilization's language in relation to their architectural philosophy. This civilization is over a thousand years old, mind you, so a lot of information has been lost. Anyway--it's always been dangerous out in the desert, and it was probably even worse back then. Every ruin and structure I've ever explored or researched had multiple layers of defense. Puzzle mechanisms, guardian constructs, illusions, you name it. I remember finding it interesting that their language had several different versions of what we, in the common language, would just translate to "monster." But so much nuance is lost in translation. And nowadays, we even use the word "monster" colloquially, even when we're talking about things like those guardian constructs. Something that used to be such a vital part of life is now just seen as a threat to explorers.
[He takes a drink, leaning back in his booth.]
What I mean to say is... what does "monster" really mean, anyway? Isn't it all just a matter of perspective? [He lifts one shoulder in a shrug.] I can't tell you not to feel guilty for your past, whatever that may be. Even if I knew, it's not my right to take that responsibility from you. [He'd said almost the same thing to Matsui. It feels like so long ago, now.] But I can tell you that the Vash I know is a good and kind person. I trust you.
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[ Vash isn't so close-minded where he doesn't understand the nuance when it comes to language. Words age, change, along the years, and he has seen and heard it evolve at home, but... It's all about relevance and context, he knows.
An afterthought he has is that Kaveh is a big nerd and he'd bully him if he wasn't insecure depressed. But he holds onto his cup with both hands, finding himself not that thirsty anymore. ]
In No Man's Land, a monster wreaks havoc. They swallow everything in their path and plunge the land into another age of chaos. [ ... ] Am I still a good person if I want to hide what I've done...? I don't want you to know.
[ He doesn't want people to become scared of him. He doesn't want them to reject him—but it's better that they do. ]
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He also owes it to Vash, he thinks, to seriously contemplate everything Vash says to him. He doesn't want to rush into any heartfelt declarations, no matter how impossible it feels to think of Vash as someone dangerous or frightening. Kaveh knows that, for all his suffering, he's lived a mostly privileged life--so many of his struggles have been personal and self-wrought. He didn't grow up in the desert, forced to weather harsh sandstorms and prejudice. He was never disowned by his parents, even if he's cut contact with his mother for the sake of her happiness. He's never lived through a war--doesn't know what it's like to be a spirit, an archon, or anything other than a simple young man trying to chase his dreams. And though he's only pieced together a cursory image of what life is like on Vash, Wolfwood, and Livio's planet, he understands that whatever he's imagining is likely much less awful than whatever they've truly endured, if only because he hates to think of them in pain.
Vash deserves the time it takes for Kaveh to remind himself of all of this, before he says something he can only believe in the moment. He cannot believe that Vash would truly cause intentional harm--but as a scholar, he has to acknowledge his own bias.]
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. [Once he's decided how to articulate his thoughts.] Though, to me, the fact that you feel that way--that is evidence that you're a good person. I've met plenty of bad people, and they don't care. [But he waves a hand.] But setting that aside--tell me this. What would you say is your deepest wish?
cw suicidal ideation pats this on
I'm sure they've gone through a lot.
[ Vash would be a worst boy enthusiast, most likely, while also yelling at the media telling his favorite they're a shitty bastard. He isn't blind to the evil in the world, but he can take a step back and see that the choices people are given are ones they barely have control over. Life, again, is a series of complicated problems, these problems are like cards. Random, shuffled and dealt by the invisible hand of fate. But somehow he separates himself from that, depriving himself of such grace.
He simply looks ahead at the simulated interior as he takes a longer sip, pensive. His deepest wish? Isn't it to disappear...? To finally chase after the lost souls of his past, to grab onto the warm hands of those kind ghosts, to run into the starless night, to find peace now that his work is done. In the silence and presence of Kaveh's company, he thinks on it some more. Despite the dark, he's latching onto the offered comfort and consolation.
His gaze falls upon the golden arches on his cup. His deepest wish... ]
... I want to be accepted. [ In the end, more than anything, he just wants to be loved. ] I want to be beside people, just like this.
puts vash on a high shelf
(It hurts to hear something that resonates so deeply within his own heart. But he won't say that, not right now. He isn't that selfish.)
Gently, he reaches out, putting his hand on the table. He doesn't try to grab Vash's, but he leaves his own out, palm up in offering.]
Then you can stay beside me. [And so many others here, he's sure of that. He can't promise that Vash will see this through to the end, can't do anything to uphold that kind of statement--but it's unfathomable, the idea of anyone turning Vash away. Perhaps it's hypocritical, the way Kaveh can't turn this certainty inward, but right now, that's the furthest thought from his mind.] I'm not afraid of monsters.
[And really, he thinks that this, too, is evidence that Vash is anything but.]
NOOO puts wolfwood there 1/2
[ He doesn't elaborate who, doesn't mention how many, but he says this softly like it isn't a shortcoming he dislike. Who benefits these traits but him? Closing his eyes, he lets it sink in... Isn't it too dangerous to not fear the wild? To reach out your hand at fangs—worse, fangs hidden by a friendly smile.
Vash, ultimately, isn't the type to snap at hands that reach out to him. He sees the palm out and that's when clarity washes over him. ]
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I really just dumped that all on you! What's with me this week?! [ Watch him down all this alcohol and take that hand to rattle. ] Try to forget what I said!
[ He wants his CRINGE ERA to be OVER. ]
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He doesn't ask about Vash's first comment, because he already knows that people worry; it's one of the things he hates most about this place, the way it robbed him so immediately of his usual facade. Instead, he just laughs a little, letting Vash shakes his hand.]
I'll try. [He won't] Don't worry, I won't embarrass you. [He probably will someday]
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[ mistakes ]
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[
He's just never going to tell Vash that he initially planned on talking to him about Shenhe and Wolfwood]
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