[His expression shifts, then, misery and heartbreak stealing across his face again. He wipes at his eyes again, harsher this time--but it still doesn't help.]
[He hasn't bothered to heal himself, so it probably hurts a little bit, but at this point, he really doesn't care. He unfolds enough to wrap his arms around Vash, resting his head on his shoulder. This close, Vash can probably feel him trembling.]
I do too. [It would almost be easier if he didn't. If he could cast aside that horrible, cloying human desire to survive. He's had weeks to get used to the idea, but it's still only weeks, in the grand scheme of things.
He's quiet, briefly.]
...We wanted to help you. Nahida and I. We were--working on ideas. So... please talk to her. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but--please.
[ Heal yourself, bitch. It's okay. Vash will try to be gentle as he can and not jostle Kaveh. When they're nested comfortably, he keeps his arm wrapped around like a shield, even though he knows he can't protect him from anything.
It's a helpless feeling, to be close and share warmth only to know it'll be taken away tomorrow. It's familiar, but the pain is renewed each time.
People leave. All the time. But Vash puts on a smile even though he knows he'll be losing friends tomorrow, that there's a chance he'll also lose what they have here. ]
[No, the outside pain has to match the inside pain :<
He has such vague, fuzzy memories of something like this from last week, but he doesn't want to strain and reach for that right now. It's not the time, and he's a little afraid of anything that isn't solid and tangible right now anyway. He feels like he's been underwater for days.
He's still afraid, at the end of the day. He's only human, and for as old as he feels sometimes, he knows three decades isn't much in the grand scheme of things. Maybe if his life had been better, if he'd had less regrets, he could walk into this decision with contentment and acceptance. He's the one making it, after all--the one forcing Nahida and Shu to deal with being survivors. But this isn't the same sort of tension as a life-or-death battle. He's never had to count the hours to his own erasure.
A distraction is welcome; he sniffs and clears his throat.]
Nothing is finished yet. We haven't gotten very far. [He thought they'd have more time.] But, um--she's... dealt with someone kind of like your brother before. So... we were trying to come up with some kind of failsafe. Something that might work in your world. Just in case. I meant to talk to you about it earlier this week.
[But then a lot of things happened very quickly, and now they're here. It's a long shot, of course, more of a desperate hope of an idea than anything truly feasible--but he'd already started working on it when he saw Vash's first memory, and then other conversations happened, and... it just wasn't something he was ready to give up on.]
And then, um... I had some ideas for other things. Devices that could help with water. Ways to repurpose sand for greater utility. Things like that. Wolfwood said you'd know people who could use them better than he would. [He doesn't remember telling Vash about this before because he is a dumb lightweight.] ...Teyvat's a very different place. But I thought there might be someone who could adapt my notes for your world.
[Kaveh isn't made for a place like this, where people are pitted against each other for the sake of survival. He can't stop himself from wanting to help, even when it's to his own detriment. Maybe he should be self-conscious about how much he's trying to interfere with their business, but it's too late to take back the work he's already put in, and he doesn't want it to go to waste. And he doesn't think Vash will mind too much anyway.]
[ Vash can very much see that Kaveh isn't suited to be here... Even though they're similar people, they have different backgrounds. He has seen time and time again humans betray each other—they've betrayed him before, countless of times, so all that has happened here isn't a surprise to him even though it hurts him to see such suffering.
It hurts him now to watch Kaveh latch onto this distraction. It's incredibly touching... Even if caring about others can be a solace for them, Vash understands this comes from a genuine and sincere desire. He keeps holding him, almost like a cradle, even if it's just an arm. ]
That all sounds great! I'll definitely stop by and ask Nahida about the schematics and logistics of all of this.
[ It seems, whether Kaveh thinks he's unwelcome or not, Vash accepts it with open arms. It's difficult to accept and ask for help, but this is for more than just himself. It is more than just them... ]
[And then he doesn't even get to DIE!!!! HATEFUL!!!! But he doesn't know that yet, so he just... tucks himself into Vash's side, and ignores the feeling of selfishness that prickles over his skin as he does.
Some of the tension seems to drain out of him at Vash's easy acceptance, though. It makes sense, if he thinks about it--but he'd been worried anyway. He suspects Vash might just be humoring him, but... that's okay. As long as Vash is willing to hear him--well, Nahida--out, that's what matters. He'd already told Wolfwood that he knew it was a long shot; he just can't not try, knowing what he knows about their situation and their world.]
...I just want everyone to be safe. [It's soft, mumbled into Vash's collar. It feels like such a silly, childish sentiment. Even if they make it out of here, there are so many people going back to dangerous or unpleasant situations. He can't fix all of them, can't even begin to try and help with at least half of them. And he's always believed that pain and loss are a natural part of life anyway. Sometimes, life is suffering--that's just how it is. But that doesn't change the fact that he hates knowing the people he's come to care about are suffering, and will likely continue to do so once they return home. Knowing that some things can't be fixed doesn't make his own helplessness any less of a bitter pill.]
[ Vash is not at all humoring him. He is interested and curious to see what other technology can help, seeing as his planet is bereft of the technological advances that led them to space. It's... Hopeful, despite the darkness the Reaper's game has blanketed over them. It's quite dark, but Vash smiles, anyway.
If only he could save them all, too... If he could lessen their suffering at all. It only he, too, could suffer less. ]
I know you do... And I'm sure you know life isn't all hopeless, but I hope you can remember that again. Not now, not soon, but maybe later.
[ That despite these terrible weekends, there were pockets of happiness in between. They were bright, warm, and kind. Irreplaceable. It's why they wouldn't take the chance to go back in time, right? ]
[He does know that, though Vash is right, it's hard to hold onto right now. He can't think of the warm moments without remembering all the missed opportunities. The things he might've said, if he'd been a little bolder--the things he would've done, if he'd been a little happier. Every memory of peace or laughter he finds, he can only grasp for a moment, before they slip through his fingers again.]
I haven't done anything.
[Which is the worst part of it, really. Kaveh can't make up his mind about how he feels about the situation as a whole--it's just a horrible tangle of guilt and helplessness, the knowledge that his team is probably trapped in some awkward middle position, and that it's mostly his fault.
He's known for a long time that he's not strong enough to do what it takes to win this game. He wasn't smart enough to figure out an alternative before Nahida felt she had to act. Is this how things would've gone if he'd been back in Sumeru city, trying to free Nahida with his friends? Would he have ruined all of that, the way he ruins everything else?
It's impossible to know, now. But either way--Kaveh has no kindness to spare for himself tonight. The only thing that's bringing him solace is the idea of tomorrow.]
...But as long as she makes it back safely, it'll be enough.
[ How much have any of them done anything? What is there to do except take lives and hope that this game will reward them like it promised? Vash, stubbornly and selfishly, has held onto his pacifist ideals... And it has fallen upon others to bloody their hands to save them all.
... If anything, he also has done nothing. Kaveh—at least Kaveh and Nahida seemed to have tried something. Quietly, in a whisper as he gently rocks them back and forth, hoping it can calm them down. ]
You're doing your best.
[ Vash will keep repeating this for as long as Kaveh needs to hear. Sometimes, their best will not be enough, but at least they know that they've put their all into it, regrets or not. wraps this up... for the new week ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I want you to make it home. All three of you.
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More importantly, our world survives.
[ Vash, otherwise, would have been fine if he were to die... And that may still be how he feels as long as Wolfwood or Livio lives. ]
I want you three to return home, too.
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I do too. [It would almost be easier if he didn't. If he could cast aside that horrible, cloying human desire to survive. He's had weeks to get used to the idea, but it's still only weeks, in the grand scheme of things.
He's quiet, briefly.]
...We wanted to help you. Nahida and I. We were--working on ideas. So... please talk to her. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but--please.
no subject
It's a helpless feeling, to be close and share warmth only to know it'll be taken away tomorrow. It's familiar, but the pain is renewed each time.
People leave. All the time. But Vash puts on a smile even though he knows he'll be losing friends tomorrow, that there's a chance he'll also lose what they have here. ]
Too busy crying to tell me yourself?
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He has such vague, fuzzy memories of something like this from last week, but he doesn't want to strain and reach for that right now. It's not the time, and he's a little afraid of anything that isn't solid and tangible right now anyway. He feels like he's been underwater for days.
He's still afraid, at the end of the day. He's only human, and for as old as he feels sometimes, he knows three decades isn't much in the grand scheme of things. Maybe if his life had been better, if he'd had less regrets, he could walk into this decision with contentment and acceptance. He's the one making it, after all--the one forcing Nahida and Shu to deal with being survivors. But this isn't the same sort of tension as a life-or-death battle. He's never had to count the hours to his own erasure.
A distraction is welcome; he sniffs and clears his throat.]
Nothing is finished yet. We haven't gotten very far. [He thought they'd have more time.] But, um--she's... dealt with someone kind of like your brother before. So... we were trying to come up with some kind of failsafe. Something that might work in your world. Just in case. I meant to talk to you about it earlier this week.
[But then a lot of things happened very quickly, and now they're here. It's a long shot, of course, more of a desperate hope of an idea than anything truly feasible--but he'd already started working on it when he saw Vash's first memory, and then other conversations happened, and... it just wasn't something he was ready to give up on.]
And then, um... I had some ideas for other things. Devices that could help with water. Ways to repurpose sand for greater utility. Things like that. Wolfwood said you'd know people who could use them better than he would. [He doesn't remember telling Vash about this before because he is a dumb lightweight.] ...Teyvat's a very different place. But I thought there might be someone who could adapt my notes for your world.
[Kaveh isn't made for a place like this, where people are pitted against each other for the sake of survival. He can't stop himself from wanting to help, even when it's to his own detriment. Maybe he should be self-conscious about how much he's trying to interfere with their business, but it's too late to take back the work he's already put in, and he doesn't want it to go to waste. And he doesn't think Vash will mind too much anyway.]
no subject
It hurts him now to watch Kaveh latch onto this distraction. It's incredibly touching... Even if caring about others can be a solace for them, Vash understands this comes from a genuine and sincere desire. He keeps holding him, almost like a cradle, even if it's just an arm. ]
That all sounds great! I'll definitely stop by and ask Nahida about the schematics and logistics of all of this.
[ It seems, whether Kaveh thinks he's unwelcome or not, Vash accepts it with open arms. It's difficult to accept and ask for help, but this is for more than just himself. It is more than just them... ]
Thanks for thinking about us, Kaveh. All of us.
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Some of the tension seems to drain out of him at Vash's easy acceptance, though. It makes sense, if he thinks about it--but he'd been worried anyway. He suspects Vash might just be humoring him, but... that's okay. As long as Vash is willing to hear him--well, Nahida--out, that's what matters. He'd already told Wolfwood that he knew it was a long shot; he just can't not try, knowing what he knows about their situation and their world.]
...I just want everyone to be safe. [It's soft, mumbled into Vash's collar. It feels like such a silly, childish sentiment. Even if they make it out of here, there are so many people going back to dangerous or unpleasant situations. He can't fix all of them, can't even begin to try and help with at least half of them. And he's always believed that pain and loss are a natural part of life anyway. Sometimes, life is suffering--that's just how it is. But that doesn't change the fact that he hates knowing the people he's come to care about are suffering, and will likely continue to do so once they return home. Knowing that some things can't be fixed doesn't make his own helplessness any less of a bitter pill.]
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If only he could save them all, too... If he could lessen their suffering at all. It only he, too, could suffer less. ]
I know you do... And I'm sure you know life isn't all hopeless, but I hope you can remember that again. Not now, not soon, but maybe later.
[ That despite these terrible weekends, there were pockets of happiness in between. They were bright, warm, and kind. Irreplaceable. It's why they wouldn't take the chance to go back in time, right? ]
You're doing your best.
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I haven't done anything.
[Which is the worst part of it, really. Kaveh can't make up his mind about how he feels about the situation as a whole--it's just a horrible tangle of guilt and helplessness, the knowledge that his team is probably trapped in some awkward middle position, and that it's mostly his fault.
He's known for a long time that he's not strong enough to do what it takes to win this game. He wasn't smart enough to figure out an alternative before Nahida felt she had to act. Is this how things would've gone if he'd been back in Sumeru city, trying to free Nahida with his friends? Would he have ruined all of that, the way he ruins everything else?
It's impossible to know, now. But either way--Kaveh has no kindness to spare for himself tonight. The only thing that's bringing him solace is the idea of tomorrow.]
...But as long as she makes it back safely, it'll be enough.
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... If anything, he also has done nothing. Kaveh—at least Kaveh and Nahida seemed to have tried something. Quietly, in a whisper as he gently rocks them back and forth, hoping it can calm them down. ]
You're doing your best.
[ Vash will keep repeating this for as long as Kaveh needs to hear. Sometimes, their best will not be enough, but at least they know that they've put their all into it, regrets or not. wraps this up... for the new week ]