[ To be honest, Vash's demeanor is rather grave, aura dour and intense. He's taking it very hard that he has to accept what happens on Thursdays is something he can't prevent despite being right there.
Hands clasp tighter, something like a prayer, almost. ]
I heard from him, too. [ But he doesn't seem mad. ] This game is ridiculous.
It is. [And Kaveh doesn't handle hurt well, so he didn't handle the conversation well, either, but--with a little distance, some of that anger has cooled into guilt. He's not fully over it, probably won't be for a little while--but. He can still acknowledge how fucked up the whole thing was.] I can't imagine being in their position. Having the answer, but not being able to do anything about it. ...I can't imagine one of my teammates acting on their own like that, either.
[Nahida would never--and he doubts Shu would do that, either.]
[ Vash can't say he can't imagine it, but he wishes he didn't have to. In spite of optimism and pacifism, he understands reality well enough. He closes his eyes. ]
... Life is a series of complex problems. [ Said calmly, and maybe uncharacteristic of himself, like these are someone else's words. ] And we have to make a choice.
I can only hope that my teammates will confide in the rest of us.
[It's an easier sentiment to tolerate coming from Vash, someone Kaveh knows to be so much like himself. They may not know each other all that well, but that doesn't matter to Kaveh, who can't help but cling to those who understand him more than anyone in Sumeru ever has.
Today was so hard already. He has no idea what he's going to do if someone he truly cares for ends up being guilty, and it hurts, knowing that it's not an impossible scenario.]
I don't want you all to be put into that situation to begin with. [Unfortunately he likes all of Vash's team way too much, with the exception of Nahri only because he doesn't know her as well.] I know that some things can only be endured. But I can't help feeling that you don't deserve to be put into these impossible circumstances.
[None of them do. He wants, so badly, to cling to the hope of some kind of alternative--some golden loophole that would take the burden off of everyone else. He'd shoulder it in an instant, if he could. But it's hard to maintain that faith right now.]
No one does. [ What they're both thinking. ] But thanks, Kaveh.
[ It's weird to say thanks to someone who's basically saying you don't deserve to suffer. That should be the baseline, but that isn't a luxury they can afford... And Vash is used to that. He has seen enough, learned enough, and suffered enough—No Man's Land is hellish, but those living on it aren't monsters. Sometimes, it is the only way they know.
How can you think you can protect anyone if you can't take a life? How do you think you can survive without defending yourself? Sometimes, you must pick up the gun; you must make a choice. He understands that, even if he lived his life in stark contrast.
Still, there's some comfort in Kaveh's words. It's true for him, too... He has met so many kind people in his long lifetime, but no one that quite understood him the same way as Kaveh does. Vash's hands loosen some. ]
I may not be as old as some people here, but a hundred and fifty years is worth something. If anyone had to endure, I wish it was me... [ He knows he'd survive it. ] But my team would be dragged along.
[ Admittedly, Vash is an awful team player, but he cares deeply about people. ]
[He's heard a similar sentiment before--knows, even without her saying it, that Nahida probably feels the same way. It doesn't quite sit right with him, but it wouldn't with anybody, he thinks, so he doesn't argue.
Instead, he sighs, because damn if that ain't the fuckin mood. He wouldn't normally admit this, but he's said and done a lot of things he wouldn't normally over the past two weeks, so. He might as well be honest with someone who gets it, of his own volition.]
...I don't know if I would've teamed up with Nahida, if I'd known it would be like this.
[ Vash is quiet, but he gets it. He knows how Nahida feels because they're similar in this regard and he's seen it enough in TWO TRIALS. They've spoken, too. Hard to turn the other way and pretend you don't see it. ]
Sorry. [ He'll pass that first because what he said must just be a bad reminder. ] She feels responsible for her team and those who come from her world. I don't think being an archon helps, either.
It's okay. [He doesn't mind. He doesn't love it, of course, but he can talk about it. It's nothing he doesn't know anyway.] ...We weren't quite ourselves when we came back on Thursday. She told me she thought she was a failure of an archon. At the time, I thought someone had said that to her, but now I think it might just be how she feels.
[He would never say this to someone he didn't trust, even though she said it in front of others; even now, it feels a little like betraying her to mention it.]
... I think so, too. It sounded like to me she wasn't able to be with her people as much as she wanted to, but that's not a fault of hers in my opinion.
[ But Vash again is from a world where there is no divine force interfering. It's just mankind and their consequences. ]
[They really should be they'd all be doing much better if he was here]
No, it wasn't. [And there's some guilt, there; but not all that much, maybe surprisingly. He beats himself up enough for plenty of things all the time--but this is something he had no hand in either way, really. It's a little harder with her here now, all the time, but he's never forgotten that she's not really a normal little girl.
He won't disagree with that, though. It is rough.]
...I want her to make it back safely. Sumeru needs her. But I can't stand the thought of my life coming at the cost of everyone else's.
[And they've talked about loopholes, about finding some alternative--and he wants to cling to that, he really does. He won't stop trying. It just feels so much harder to hold onto it right now.]
[ Their situation really iS GRIM. Kaveh knows that Vash feels the same and, honestly, he doesn't want to face the reality of it even if it comes to mind every new week. It's difficult not to see it as every person erased is the reason you're "alive." The weight is sometimes too hard to hide from others. ]
At the moment, we can't change the situation we're in. Many of us have something to return to, all important.
[ Because he even thinks the smallest reason to go back is enough. Everyone deserves to live (except for some of us).
Vash can say this as a fact. As much as he has optimism and hopes, he isn't going to repeat them again to someone who already heard them before. As of this moment, they have nothing. ]
What we can do is offer kindness to those who need it while we keep searching for another way out.
[ Assuage grief, pain, and soften the end if that is what it has come to. ]
["Everyone deserves to live (except for some of us)" is truly the vibe, though. How are they supposed to live, laugh, self-sacrifice in these conditions, goddamn.
It's a helpful reminder, though. It's so easy to feel shackled to survival on days like this. But he's already decided not to take himself out of the competition to give the others a leg up. At least not yet. So if he's going to stay, then the least he can do is keep his promise to be there. To deserve the trust that's been put in him.
He reaches over, squeezing Vash's wrist in a gesture of acknowledgment and solidarity.]
Thank you, Vash. You're right. [He takes a deep breath.] They'll need us.
[Squishes Vash's wrist like a Tiktok slime account]
Yes, so will I. [Kaveh's got a thousand issues but confidence usually isn't one of them, at all.] But we have to at least make an effort, or they'll never stop yelling at us.
["Who's they" the like 5 people in this game who aren't self-sacrificing like they are, apparently]
But that makes him smile, at least, if only a little. He's truly so fond of the triguns, god. Although honestly he kind of thinks this statement could also be about Shenhe.
Nonetheless:]
I don't think that would happen. They wouldn't go that easy on you. [Erasing Vash is just letting him win...]
I sort of assumed Shenhe is the type to want to keep you where she can hit you with her sign, for instance. [Instead of, like, smothering him with a pillow in frustration... though he looks uncertain, now, like he's worried he misstepped.] Unless that's not what you meant?
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[Finally, he moves to sit next to Vash; he kind of wants to slump over onto him, but he holds back.]
...I talked to Buzen. [Er. Kind of.] He knew. They all did, I think.
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Hands clasp tighter, something like a prayer, almost. ]
I heard from him, too. [ But he doesn't seem mad. ] This game is ridiculous.
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It is. [And Kaveh doesn't handle hurt well, so he didn't handle the conversation well, either, but--with a little distance, some of that anger has cooled into guilt. He's not fully over it, probably won't be for a little while--but. He can still acknowledge how fucked up the whole thing was.] I can't imagine being in their position. Having the answer, but not being able to do anything about it. ...I can't imagine one of my teammates acting on their own like that, either.
[Nahida would never--and he doubts Shu would do that, either.]
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... Life is a series of complex problems. [ Said calmly, and maybe uncharacteristic of himself, like these are someone else's words. ] And we have to make a choice.
I can only hope that my teammates will confide in the rest of us.
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Today was so hard already. He has no idea what he's going to do if someone he truly cares for ends up being guilty, and it hurts, knowing that it's not an impossible scenario.]
I don't want you all to be put into that situation to begin with. [Unfortunately he likes all of Vash's team way too much, with the exception of Nahri only because he doesn't know her as well.] I know that some things can only be endured. But I can't help feeling that you don't deserve to be put into these impossible circumstances.
[None of them do. He wants, so badly, to cling to the hope of some kind of alternative--some golden loophole that would take the burden off of everyone else. He'd shoulder it in an instant, if he could. But it's hard to maintain that faith right now.]
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[ It's weird to say thanks to someone who's basically saying you don't deserve to suffer. That should be the baseline, but that isn't a luxury they can afford... And Vash is used to that. He has seen enough, learned enough, and suffered enough—No Man's Land is hellish, but those living on it aren't monsters. Sometimes, it is the only way they know.
How can you think you can protect anyone if you can't take a life? How do you think you can survive without defending yourself? Sometimes, you must pick up the gun; you must make a choice. He understands that, even if he lived his life in stark contrast.
Still, there's some comfort in Kaveh's words. It's true for him, too... He has met so many kind people in his long lifetime, but no one that quite understood him the same way as Kaveh does. Vash's hands loosen some. ]
I may not be as old as some people here, but a hundred and fifty years is worth something. If anyone had to endure, I wish it was me... [ He knows he'd survive it. ] But my team would be dragged along.
[ Admittedly, Vash is an awful team player, but he cares deeply about people. ]
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Instead, he sighs, because damn if that ain't the fuckin mood. He wouldn't normally admit this, but he's said and done a lot of things he wouldn't normally over the past two weeks, so. He might as well be honest with someone who gets it, of his own volition.]
...I don't know if I would've teamed up with Nahida, if I'd known it would be like this.
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Sorry. [ He'll pass that first because what he said must just be a bad reminder. ] She feels responsible for her team and those who come from her world. I don't think being an archon helps, either.
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It's okay. [He doesn't mind. He doesn't love it, of course, but he can talk about it. It's nothing he doesn't know anyway.] ...We weren't quite ourselves when we came back on Thursday. She told me she thought she was a failure of an archon. At the time, I thought someone had said that to her, but now I think it might just be how she feels.
[He would never say this to someone he didn't trust, even though she said it in front of others; even now, it feels a little like betraying her to mention it.]
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... I think so, too. It sounded like to me she wasn't able to be with her people as much as she wanted to, but that's not a fault of hers in my opinion.
[ But Vash again is from a world where there is no divine force interfering. It's just mankind and their consequences. ]
You're in a rough spot, Kaveh.
[ One of her people and all. ]
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No, it wasn't. [And there's some guilt, there; but not all that much, maybe surprisingly. He beats himself up enough for plenty of things all the time--but this is something he had no hand in either way, really. It's a little harder with her here now, all the time, but he's never forgotten that she's not really a normal little girl.
He won't disagree with that, though. It is rough.]
...I want her to make it back safely. Sumeru needs her. But I can't stand the thought of my life coming at the cost of everyone else's.
[And they've talked about loopholes, about finding some alternative--and he wants to cling to that, he really does. He won't stop trying. It just feels so much harder to hold onto it right now.]
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At the moment, we can't change the situation we're in. Many of us have something to return to, all important.
[ Because he even thinks the smallest reason to go back is enough. Everyone deserves to live (except for some of us).
Vash can say this as a fact. As much as he has optimism and hopes, he isn't going to repeat them again to someone who already heard them before. As of this moment, they have nothing. ]
What we can do is offer kindness to those who need it while we keep searching for another way out.
[ Assuage grief, pain, and soften the end if that is what it has come to. ]
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It's a helpful reminder, though. It's so easy to feel shackled to survival on days like this. But he's already decided not to take himself out of the competition to give the others a leg up. At least not yet. So if he's going to stay, then the least he can do is keep his promise to be there. To deserve the trust that's been put in him.
He reaches over, squeezing Vash's wrist in a gesture of acknowledgment and solidarity.]
Thank you, Vash. You're right. [He takes a deep breath.] They'll need us.
[They know what it's like to be the survivors.]
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Just try not to burn yourself out, okay?
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I'll try if you will.
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I'll be fiiiine.
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Yes, so will I. [Kaveh's got a thousand issues but confidence usually isn't one of them, at all.] But we have to at least make an effort, or they'll never stop yelling at us.
["Who's they" the like 5 people in this game who aren't self-sacrificing like they are, apparently]
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[ his left wrist is quite... hard and stiff... ]
I guess I'd also like to not be erased in my sleep.
[ Since Wolfwood is in his team. ]
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But that makes him smile, at least, if only a little. He's truly so fond of the triguns, god. Although honestly he kind of thinks this statement could also be about Shenhe.
Nonetheless:]
I don't think that would happen. They wouldn't go that easy on you. [Erasing Vash is just letting him win...]
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Excuse me?
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[ The realization. ]
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he just
pats his wrist again]
Good luck.
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