[ SOMETIMES YOU JUST CHILL. Vash gestures to Kaveh that he can come along if he wants, but the vibe is apologetic because honestly... Vash's depression is incredibly suffocating, a black hole ready to swallow every living being nearby. It wards others from approaching, apologetic and remorseful.
But it's okay, there's a small thread, a semblance of a sad but pining golden retriever dog longing for company. ]
I was planning to, but wanted to collect my thoughts first. [ They sit. ] Did you?
[He's valid, honestly. It's not exactly fun to bask in these feelings, but Kaveh has been such a mess all week. Yesterday was the worst of it--now, he just feels hollowed out, like the framework of a building as the last thing left standing after a great storm.
And, honestly--Kaveh's a little bit of a masochist when it comes to emotions. It doesn't feel right to not be in pain right now. In a way, it's almost comforting to sit in Vash's misery.]
No. [It's an easy question to answer.] I'd say something I regret, if I did.
...I can't bring myself to care about her reasons right now.
[It doesn't matter if she didn't mean to be cruel. She was. She robbed Matsui of so much, right on the heels of all that suffering. Kaveh will be shocked if he and Rang make it past tomorrow.]
... It's a little dark, but I think it's kind of funny. [ The feed does not contain mirth, just solemn reflection. ] This game has a premise of survival, but people did that everyday when they were alive.
[ In his heart, Vash still holds so much compassion despite the empathy he carries for the swords. He looks upon stained glass, contemplative. ]
... I'll probably find myself not liking the reasons, but I do want to know.
[ There's no condoning, no jump to defense, simply the desire to understand. A sigh as the heavy blanket of weariness and summertime sadness weighs on him. ]
[As Vash talks, Kaveh listens quietly. He lets Vash's feelings sweep over him, coming and going as they will.]
It is.
[Catching Hikari's killer had made him feel... not better, but resolved, a little. But last week, and now this one--there is no closure here, really. Just deep sorrow.
Gently, he shifts his hand over, turning his palm up in offering. Vash doesn't have to take it, but it's there if he wants to.]
...I don't want to lose them. [Matsui and Rang, he means.] But it feels cruel to ask him to hold on.
[How selfish is it to chain someone to survival when their reason to live is gone? When they have no proof, nothing tangible to offer him to tide him over?]
[ Seeing the hand, a wave of gratitude washes over only for crashes of guilt and unworthiness follow after. Longing stays faint... And that's enough for Vash to at least reach over and squeeze Kaveh's wrist.
Sometimes you don't deserve handholding, but you want to. ]
... It is. [ There's a vibration of understanding. ] But I think they should get opportunities to be happy a couple of more times before they go.
[ Resigned all the same. Vash accepts how people live their lives and choose their ends, but wants better for them. ]
[The emotions coming from Vash are so painfully familiar. For possibly the first time, Kaveh understands what it's like on the other side--what Alex and Kazuki and even, if he's honest, Alhaitham have tried to tell him. It hurts, feeling these things from someone he's so fond of. Vash is so much older than him, too; Kaveh's certain that his own feelings, his own experiences, are just a fraction of the pain Vash has been through.
But it's because it's familiar that Kaveh knows he can't lift this burden. That if there's anything he could say to ease these feelings, he isn't the right person to say them. So he simply reaches over to cover Vash's hand with his other one. Loosely, so that Vash can break away whenever he feels he must.]
...Before we came here, what did you think death would be like?
[ It's fine... Emotions shrink, but also shrivel in being perceived. Grateful, still. ]
I thought there'd be nothing.
[ Which may be a sad thing to say, but there is no additional gloominess to it. There isn't a desire for something past the end, or a yearning for better than what life has to give. No fear of death, either.
It's a realistic expectation, or perhaps telling. Church talking about heaven? Not something he's thinking about.
There's a laugh as he rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. ]
[Fair and valid. Kaveh doesn't comment, at least. He even tries to pull back his empathetic understanding, though he doesn't do the greatest job at it. His heart's just too open.
He leans his head back, looking up at the ceiling.]
I don't know. At this point, it sounds kind of peaceful.
[But Kaveh's always thought of death as the end of pain, honestly. So that probably says a lot about his own mindset, the way he's not disturbed by Vash's.]
Kaveh does not say that, even though it's painfully obvious. He does jump a tiny bit when Vash starts shaking his hand, but then he shakes his head. He smiles a little, though it doesn't reach his eyes or his emotions.]
I'm really not that young. [Like, yeah, he's not 150 or 600 or 800 or whatever, but. He definitely considers himself part of the older crowd here, compared to the younger one. He also doesn't point out that he's been depressed since he was like 8 because he would rather die than admit that even if it's true.]
[ The empty smile makes him rattle their hands even MORE. Sometimes you're just a hypocrite, but Vash does feel like he's doing something substantial. Self-care is worthless. ]
Sure, you're older than most, but you're not an old man. You still could have a life ahead of you! There's a goal there and you said things got better!
--It's so complicated, being here. Kaveh doesn't want to die; he is too young for that, too mortal, too passionate about life and all its beauties and miseries. But Kaveh hasn't put himself first since he was eight years old. He doesn't even know if he remembers how.]
They did. [He can admit that much.] And I'd like to. But how can I say that my dreams are worth more than anyone else's? What right do I have to decide that?
[He thinks of Wolfwood, who'd told him that he had kids to get back to. Of Ylfa, who is so young. Of Nahida, who is the main reason Kaveh's even made it this far, because if nothing else, he needs to get her back to Sumeru. Of Vash, who must surely have some reason for carrying on--some reason besides himself, if Kaveh knows him even a little.]
I'm not saying I'm going to give up. But if I don't make it to the end--I just want to know that I helped the rest of you somehow.
[He'll live on in his buildings anyway. He's always felt that way.]
... Rather than thinking of it that way, it may be better to think of it as your dreams are worth fighting for.
[ Less comparing, no downplaying anyone's desires and hopes, even though it's still survival and competition all the same. A different perspective changes things is what Vash believes, but it isn't something he's trying to preach. Based on the emotions that do leak out, there is reassurance and encouragement.
Rattling less, his heart quiets. ]
It's very hard to forget someone's kindness. I think you've helped a good amount already.
[It's not that Kaveh doesn't agree. If there's one thing he'll grant himself, it's that he's dedicated his life to pursuing his dreams; if he didn't take pride in that, he would have no standing with which to tell his clients that he's the right choice for them. And beyond that, even though he grapples with the meaning of art and doubts himself on occasion, he typically feels proud of putting more beauty into the world.
But it doesn't feel like enough, right now. So he's quiet, and focuses on the rest--which... well.]
...It doesn't feel like it.
[It also doesn't feel like enough. He has no way of protecting anyone when they're truly in danger. He has no information of use, and no way of getting access to the people who might be able to change all of this.]
Sometimes, it feels like that. Like it's never enough.
[ Sometimes your best will amount to nothing. Vash has seen enough of that, experienced it enough. No matter the amount of good deeds, it's about the mistakes and loss. It's dangerous thinking, one he wishes upon no one except himself.
Because Vash thinks of himself as different. He isn't mortal, after all. ]
You're just one person... [ To emphasize that there's only so much Kaveh can do as one single person. ] But you've made some people's day, I'm sure. Someone here has enjoyed your company and sometimes that's enough.
[ At least, if anything, that means the world to Vash who has always been alone, stricken with loneliness. ]
[Kaveh's quiet for a moment; then, he squeezes the hand that's still holding his own, more for his own selfish comfort than to offer reassurance to Vash.]
I hope you're right. [He'll concede that, because he must. There is nothing he can do to intervene during the night. And Kaveh internalizes so, so much guilt over things beyond his control, but he is, at the very least, capable of understanding this much. Until he or someone else figures out some other avenue, all he can do is be there for as many people as possible.]
Sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about me. [Even though it's clear as day that Vash was deflecting, but Kaveh will let him have that for now.] But thank you, Vash. You're kind.
[It wouldn't be difficult to say regardless, but especially not now. He thinks of Buzen--of the awful note he'd left things on, so foolishly assuming he'd have time. He doesn't want to make that mistake again.]
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But it's okay, there's a small thread, a semblance of a sad but pining golden retriever dog longing for company. ]
I was planning to, but wanted to collect my thoughts first. [ They sit. ] Did you?
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And, honestly--Kaveh's a little bit of a masochist when it comes to emotions. It doesn't feel right to not be in pain right now. In a way, it's almost comforting to sit in Vash's misery.]
No. [It's an easy question to answer.] I'd say something I regret, if I did.
...I can't bring myself to care about her reasons right now.
[It doesn't matter if she didn't mean to be cruel. She was. She robbed Matsui of so much, right on the heels of all that suffering. Kaveh will be shocked if he and Rang make it past tomorrow.]
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[ In his heart, Vash still holds so much compassion despite the empathy he carries for the swords. He looks upon stained glass, contemplative. ]
... I'll probably find myself not liking the reasons, but I do want to know.
[ There's no condoning, no jump to defense, simply the desire to understand. A sigh as the heavy blanket of weariness and summertime sadness weighs on him. ]
It's a rough night.
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It is.
[Catching Hikari's killer had made him feel... not better, but resolved, a little. But last week, and now this one--there is no closure here, really. Just deep sorrow.
Gently, he shifts his hand over, turning his palm up in offering. Vash doesn't have to take it, but it's there if he wants to.]
...I don't want to lose them. [Matsui and Rang, he means.] But it feels cruel to ask him to hold on.
[How selfish is it to chain someone to survival when their reason to live is gone? When they have no proof, nothing tangible to offer him to tide him over?]
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Sometimes you don't deserve handholding, but you want to. ]
... It is. [ There's a vibration of understanding. ] But I think they should get opportunities to be happy a couple of more times before they go.
[ Resigned all the same. Vash accepts how people live their lives and choose their ends, but wants better for them. ]
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But it's because it's familiar that Kaveh knows he can't lift this burden. That if there's anything he could say to ease these feelings, he isn't the right person to say them. So he simply reaches over to cover Vash's hand with his other one. Loosely, so that Vash can break away whenever he feels he must.]
...Before we came here, what did you think death would be like?
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I thought there'd be nothing.
[ Which may be a sad thing to say, but there is no additional gloominess to it. There isn't a desire for something past the end, or a yearning for better than what life has to give. No fear of death, either.
It's a realistic expectation, or perhaps telling. Church talking about heaven? Not something he's thinking about.
There's a laugh as he rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. ]
Sorry, that's kinda depressing!
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He leans his head back, looking up at the ceiling.]
I don't know. At this point, it sounds kind of peaceful.
[But Kaveh's always thought of death as the end of pain, honestly. So that probably says a lot about his own mindset, the way he's not disturbed by Vash's.]
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Hey! You're too young to be this depressed!
[ He grabs Kaveh's hand and starts rattling it aggressively. ]
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Kaveh does not say that, even though it's painfully obvious. He does jump a tiny bit when Vash starts shaking his hand, but then he shakes his head. He smiles a little, though it doesn't reach his eyes or his emotions.]
I'm really not that young. [Like, yeah, he's not 150 or 600 or 800 or whatever, but. He definitely considers himself part of the older crowd here, compared to the younger one. He also doesn't point out that he's been depressed since he was like 8 because he would rather die than admit that even if it's true.]
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Sure, you're older than most, but you're not an old man. You still could have a life ahead of you! There's a goal there and you said things got better!
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--It's so complicated, being here. Kaveh doesn't want to die; he is too young for that, too mortal, too passionate about life and all its beauties and miseries. But Kaveh hasn't put himself first since he was eight years old. He doesn't even know if he remembers how.]
They did. [He can admit that much.] And I'd like to. But how can I say that my dreams are worth more than anyone else's? What right do I have to decide that?
[He thinks of Wolfwood, who'd told him that he had kids to get back to. Of Ylfa, who is so young. Of Nahida, who is the main reason Kaveh's even made it this far, because if nothing else, he needs to get her back to Sumeru. Of Vash, who must surely have some reason for carrying on--some reason besides himself, if Kaveh knows him even a little.]
I'm not saying I'm going to give up. But if I don't make it to the end--I just want to know that I helped the rest of you somehow.
[He'll live on in his buildings anyway. He's always felt that way.]
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[ Less comparing, no downplaying anyone's desires and hopes, even though it's still survival and competition all the same. A different perspective changes things is what Vash believes, but it isn't something he's trying to preach. Based on the emotions that do leak out, there is reassurance and encouragement.
Rattling less, his heart quiets. ]
It's very hard to forget someone's kindness. I think you've helped a good amount already.
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But it doesn't feel like enough, right now. So he's quiet, and focuses on the rest--which... well.]
...It doesn't feel like it.
[It also doesn't feel like enough. He has no way of protecting anyone when they're truly in danger. He has no information of use, and no way of getting access to the people who might be able to change all of this.]
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[ Sometimes your best will amount to nothing. Vash has seen enough of that, experienced it enough. No matter the amount of good deeds, it's about the mistakes and loss. It's dangerous thinking, one he wishes upon no one except himself.
Because Vash thinks of himself as different. He isn't mortal, after all. ]
You're just one person... [ To emphasize that there's only so much Kaveh can do as one single person. ] But you've made some people's day, I'm sure. Someone here has enjoyed your company and sometimes that's enough.
[ At least, if anything, that means the world to Vash who has always been alone, stricken with loneliness. ]
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I hope you're right. [He'll concede that, because he must. There is nothing he can do to intervene during the night. And Kaveh internalizes so, so much guilt over things beyond his control, but he is, at the very least, capable of understanding this much. Until he or someone else figures out some other avenue, all he can do is be there for as many people as possible.]
Sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about me. [Even though it's clear as day that Vash was deflecting, but Kaveh will let him have that for now.] But thank you, Vash. You're kind.
[It wouldn't be difficult to say regardless, but especially not now. He thinks of Buzen--of the awful note he'd left things on, so foolishly assuming he'd have time. He doesn't want to make that mistake again.]