[IT'S... a lot of things, actually. A little bit of pity, because Vash has clearly been through so, so much, and he doesn't deserve to have this happen to him. A little bit of sympathy, because Kaveh already hates this too, and they really can't keep anything for themselves, can they?
But also...
...He'd said he would try to forget, for Vash's sake. But he'd also promised to support him, hadn't he? And he can't help but worry that this is related to Vash's self-perception, to his clearly deeply held beliefs. He doesn't want to force Vash to dwell on painful memories--but he also can't bring himself to brush it aside like he doesn't care.]
[ Fortunately, for himself, this memory is a bit easier to stomach and digest. A bit easier to let people see, though it saddens him all the same to witness colony ships fall from the sky like fire rain... Onto the desolate planet where mankind would try to fight for their lives for over a decade.
The loss of so many lives that day can be unbearable, but he has had enough practice. ]
... I'm okay. That memory was almost a hundred and fifty years ago.
[ And he survived this long, so yeah. It's okay. At this point, it's history for him, though uncomfortable history especially when he thinks upon the other two in it. ]
[It's a long time--but doesn't Kaveh know better than anyone that time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds? Then again, he's barely lived a small fraction of that amount of time, so maybe he shouldn't look at this from a personal perspective. He doesn't often feel the difference between himself and those who've lived so long, but at moments like this, he's painfully aware of how small his existence must seem.
This isn't about him, though. He won't cling on if Vash wants to pull away, but he will hug him for as long as he's allowed.
[ Kaveh can keep hugging him... Vash doesn't pull away or push him away. He will stay as long as people let him. It's funny how they feel the same. Sometimes, Vash thinks that despite being inhuman, he doesn't believe his heart is too different. Time shows him they are, in other ways. Humans live such short lives, especially in No Man's Live when the expectancy is shorter.
Every day they struggle, despite their end being imminent and close. To their very last breath, he has seen it, survived to see so many. It's in part why he's so fond of them... They have such little time yet they offer him their compassion, anyway. Small existences, big impact both good and bad.
Even now, Kaveh is offering him compassion despite his own pain, still recent enough to be raw. It makes him feel guilty. ]
Some humans survived... I mostly followed my brother to make sure he didn't hurt them. Lost track of him at eighty years.
[It's a little funny, how moments like this have him feeling more helpless than even this game does, sometimes. Perhaps it's because he'd known, in a way, that this game was hopeless for him from the start. Even with the stakes being what they are, he isn't sure he'll ever be able to raise a hand against the people here--maybe not even in self-defense. Or maybe it's just because Kaveh, at his core, connects with people. Individuals. It's something Alhaitham's criticized him for over and over, throughout the years. But Kaveh can't help being the way he is.
He can't help this, either. It's in the past. All he can do is be here, waiting by the side of the water in case Vash needs a hand to help pull him out.]
[ It is these blonds' crimes for being squishy inside. I say blond like Vash's hair isn't only half blond now. How can they not be hardened by the world? The world is neither fair or unjust, neither kind or cruel. They could have been different people. but here they are.
Vash's expression shifts so something solemn, serious, with a hint of melancholy. For whatever reason, he's resigned. ]
[HE'S A BOTTLE BLOND "he's not human" A BOTTLE BLOND.
Something twists in Kaveh's chest when Vash says that. Something about his tone, about the look on his face--it reminds him of what Vash said last week. Am I still a good person if I want to hide what I've done?
He has no way of knowing what Vash meant. Not without asking, which he certainly isn't going to do. But his mind can't help drawing conclusions with the evidence he has, and his heart aches at the picture he's seeing.
But Vash had said he didn't want Kaveh to know. And besides that, his memories are personal; things that Kaveh shouldn't have seen in the first place. So he pulls back a little, though he keeps his hands loosely on Vash's arms.]
You didn't do anything! [ Truthfully. ] I just... Don't think it's something you'd like to hear.
[ So it would seem that this specifically is not what Vash has been trying to hide, but he believes in protecting people's merriment and mood. The memory is already such a downer and it haunts him in different ways, still deep and lingering... But it's the type of haunted he can handle. Sometimes you mourn people who are gone every single day and it's normalized. ]
[Thinks about my thread with Lowe and gazes into the Trigun abyss.
Anyway, Kaveh shakes his head.]
You don't have to worry about something like that. [Not in the least because he feels like his own traumas are so insignificant in comparison. But also--] I'll always listen to anything you want to tell me.
[Even if it's depressing or horrific. He'd promised he wouldn't be afraid, after all. And it's not like he doesn't understand the multitude of reasons Vash wouldn't want to get into it, but he doesn't want "making Kaveh uncomfortable" to be one of them.]
[ Focusing on someone else's hurts really makes it easier to deal with your own, doesn't it. They're here trying to fight each other emotionally. ]
Uhm... That memory is very significant for you, Kaveh. I don't know if I can't worry, but I can tell you more about my brother. I say he's handled because he probably died with me.
[ At least, that's what Vash thinks? He isn't sure. ]
Even if he's alive, his hair is black, which should mean he's out of energy.
[IT REALLY IS EMOTIONAL FISTICUFFS both of them just this
ALSO OF ALL THE WILD THINGS I EXPECTED FROM TRIGUN IT WAS NOT HAIR LORE. HELP.]
...It is. [He'll concede that much.] It's just--I'm not sure what I'd say about it. That was over twenty years ago.
[Which may seem like the blink of an eye for people who live for centuries, but to him, it's an old wound. It's a memory he dwells on so often that he thinks he's picked it apart from every possible angle.
But he hums softly, mulling that over. He doesn't yet know that they're going to have to revisit this conversation. That is perhaps a Thursday PC sort of conversation, unless you are on a CYOA, which I suspect you are. :beegun:]
So if you make it back from here, and you find out he's alive... you don't think he'll be a threat?
... I hope you don't blame yourself, Kaveh. So much of life is out of our control.
[ It's advice that he wished he could take himself, honestly, but circumstances and other stuff stops him. In the end, Vash at least believes this wholeheartedly. Sometimes... Events happen and there's nothing they could have done to stop them.
HeHEHE. CYOA. ]
Without energy, he's as dangerous as any other guy without abilities. It's... Easier.
But... mm. Kaveh looks away, because he knows people don't like to hear these things--but. Well. It's Vash, so he'll be honest.]
It is, but... ultimately, it was my fault. Other factors contributed to his death, but the fundamental cause was still me.
[There's simply no way around that, as far as he's concerned. If he hadn't pushed his father to participate in the Championship, his father would still be alive. It's as simple as that.
He's quiet for a moment, then, taking in the rest of what Vash says. He still doesn't like to hear it, really; "easier" could mean a lot of things, but it can't possibly be easier on Vash's heart, he knows. Kaveh can't even begin to imagine how complicated his emotions must be about all of this.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
This week is awful, too!
no subject
It's okay, we can just--stay inside?!
[Desperately, as though that's a true solution]
no subject
[ Tears... Sniff sniff. ]
no subject
reach out to pull Vash into a hug I guess because IF THIS IS THE KIND OF THING SWEET VASH HAS TO DEAL WITH ON DAY ONE, IT'S GONNA BE A ROUGH RIDE.]
no subject
No one was to blame. No one is to blame here, too, except for the pig noises. ]
no subject
But also...
...He'd said he would try to forget, for Vash's sake. But he'd also promised to support him, hadn't he? And he can't help but worry that this is related to Vash's self-perception, to his clearly deeply held beliefs. He doesn't want to force Vash to dwell on painful memories--but he also can't bring himself to brush it aside like he doesn't care.]
Vash... were you okay? After that?
no subject
The loss of so many lives that day can be unbearable, but he has had enough practice. ]
... I'm okay. That memory was almost a hundred and fifty years ago.
[ And he survived this long, so yeah. It's okay. At this point, it's history for him, though uncomfortable history especially when he thinks upon the other two in it. ]
no subject
This isn't about him, though. He won't cling on if Vash wants to pull away, but he will hug him for as long as he's allowed.
Gently:] ...Can I ask what happened after that?
no subject
Every day they struggle, despite their end being imminent and close. To their very last breath, he has seen it, survived to see so many. It's in part why he's so fond of them... They have such little time yet they offer him their compassion, anyway. Small existences, big impact both good and bad.
Even now, Kaveh is offering him compassion despite his own pain, still recent enough to be raw. It makes him feel guilty. ]
Some humans survived... I mostly followed my brother to make sure he didn't hurt them. Lost track of him at eighty years.
no subject
He can't help this, either. It's in the past. All he can do is be here, waiting by the side of the water in case Vash needs a hand to help pull him out.]
So he's still out there somewhere?
no subject
Vash's expression shifts so something solemn, serious, with a hint of melancholy. For whatever reason, he's resigned. ]
He isn't a problem anymore.
no subject
Something twists in Kaveh's chest when Vash says that. Something about his tone, about the look on his face--it reminds him of what Vash said last week. Am I still a good person if I want to hide what I've done?
He has no way of knowing what Vash meant. Not without asking, which he certainly isn't going to do. But his mind can't help drawing conclusions with the evidence he has, and his heart aches at the picture he's seeing.
But Vash had said he didn't want Kaveh to know. And besides that, his memories are personal; things that Kaveh shouldn't have seen in the first place. So he pulls back a little, though he keeps his hands loosely on Vash's arms.]
Okay. [Softly.] I'm sorry. I won't ask anymore.
no subject
[ So it would seem that this specifically is not what Vash has been trying to hide, but he believes in protecting people's merriment and mood. The memory is already such a downer and it haunts him in different ways, still deep and lingering... But it's the type of haunted he can handle. Sometimes you mourn people who are gone every single day and it's normalized. ]
Especially after...
[ You know. Kaveh's memory. ]
no subject
Anyway, Kaveh shakes his head.]
You don't have to worry about something like that. [Not in the least because he feels like his own traumas are so insignificant in comparison. But also--] I'll always listen to anything you want to tell me.
[Even if it's depressing or horrific. He'd promised he wouldn't be afraid, after all. And it's not like he doesn't understand the multitude of reasons Vash wouldn't want to get into it, but he doesn't want "making Kaveh uncomfortable" to be one of them.]
no subject
Uhm... That memory is very significant for you, Kaveh. I don't know if I can't worry, but I can tell you more about my brother. I say he's handled because he probably died with me.
[ At least, that's what Vash thinks? He isn't sure. ]
Even if he's alive, his hair is black, which should mean he's out of energy.
no subject
ALSO OF ALL THE WILD THINGS I EXPECTED FROM TRIGUN IT WAS NOT HAIR LORE. HELP.]
...It is. [He'll concede that much.] It's just--I'm not sure what I'd say about it. That was over twenty years ago.
[Which may seem like the blink of an eye for people who live for centuries, but to him, it's an old wound. It's a memory he dwells on so often that he thinks he's picked it apart from every possible angle.
But he hums softly, mulling that over. He doesn't yet know that they're going to have to revisit this conversation. That is perhaps a Thursday PC sort of conversation, unless you are on a CYOA, which I suspect you are. :beegun:]
So if you make it back from here, and you find out he's alive... you don't think he'll be a threat?
no subject
[ It's advice that he wished he could take himself, honestly, but circumstances and other stuff stops him. In the end, Vash at least believes this wholeheartedly. Sometimes... Events happen and there's nothing they could have done to stop them.
HeHEHE. CYOA. ]
Without energy, he's as dangerous as any other guy without abilities. It's... Easier.
no subject
But... mm. Kaveh looks away, because he knows people don't like to hear these things--but. Well. It's Vash, so he'll be honest.]
It is, but... ultimately, it was my fault. Other factors contributed to his death, but the fundamental cause was still me.
[There's simply no way around that, as far as he's concerned. If he hadn't pushed his father to participate in the Championship, his father would still be alive. It's as simple as that.
He's quiet for a moment, then, taking in the rest of what Vash says. He still doesn't like to hear it, really; "easier" could mean a lot of things, but it can't possibly be easier on Vash's heart, he knows. Kaveh can't even begin to imagine how complicated his emotions must be about all of this.]
Could he regain that energy?